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Forgive me

God it makes me angry – it makes me angry and how these people blind themselves because of preconceived notions-! Preconceived notions that appeared because of us, because of the people who are supposed to sow your seeds! God forgive me—forgive me—
So many denominations under one faith because they disagree in the means of worship. People who claim to be Christians only because it’s been with them since birth. People who denounce their faith because they just don’t seem to understand; they don’t feel they believe in you anymore, or they want to rebel from what they’ve been told to believe, or they don’t feel themselves worthy of the title that comes with “Christian”—
No, you can’t understand, no one can understand, but is it our job to understand? Is it really? Do we have to understand to believe in you, God, you who are makers of all men and the protector of all your people, not just the Jews, no; they’ve rejected you, they’ve rejected what you’ve already come for… they’re blind, too… How could they have turned their backs on you when you came for them in the first place? The gentiles have opened their eyes and accepted, but why have your chosen people closed their hearts and turned their backs on the God that led them out of Egypt?

And how do I tell them what is right from wrong when I don’t know myself? How would I lead them – push them – to your truth when I’m barely at the threshold of your temple, wondering if I might go in and be irrevocably changed forever so beyond words that it frightens me?
Perhaps I am scared of this life of rejection that you have led, that this life of rejection we must lead as your followers, your people, your children…

How do I testify and how do I tell them I still believe despite my doubts and fears? That I refuse to let go of my faith even if I know I’m a wretched soul unworthy of your name! Because I know you forgive me, I know you haven’t forgotten me, and I know you’re there even when it feels like you aren’t; because I made a promise and I will keep it ‘til the day I die, God, I promised…

I’ve always been at the border. Maybe I’ve tried to dip a foot in, but the waters scared me because they churned with something unrecognizable. With something unfathomable.

I’m like a fortress without walls, so easily breakable, so easily besieged and susceptible to defeat… how do I stand up to the evils of this world, God? Tell me how and I’ll build my walls like Nehemiah – give me some instructions and I will follow! But no, won’t I then think, “Please God, not yet, don’t use me yet, I’m afraid...”? Afraid of what? The magnitude of which you might use me, God? Afraid of the dangers, afraid of the scorn and persecution, afraid of rejection? Afraid of the perils that grip this world in its coiling vines and thorns and prick us all to death little by little? Afraid of the field of the unknown before me, wondering what’ll happen if I step in further? Afraid of the huge job you’ve left for us, the masses of people who are ready to hear but have no means, and of the masses of people who refuse to hear only because they’ve heard it wrong every day? Afraid of the notion of facing that alone?
But that’s ridiculous! I’m not alone! Why must I be afraid all the time? “The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear? The Lord is the everlasting God – of whom shall I be afraid?” (Ps. 3.1) I don’t understand myself. Maybe, above all, I’m just afraid of the unknown and what that might entail for me in the future.

I’m trying so hard to hold on to myself that it’s become a luggage dragging behind me, keeping me from running to you – I can see your back, and I know you’re there, waiting, you’re not moving, you’re so steady – but it’s me, I’m still lugging this baggage around and refusing to let go of it, refusing to let go of my life, and it’s preventing me from grasping your cloak and asking you to heal me – heal me and change me and cleanse me and purge from me all my crazy notions of fear!
It’s like a lucid dream, where it feels like you’re moving farther and farther away from me, but you’re not... It’s me, and I’m the one holding myself back; I’m the one who’s moving too slowly to catch up… Or maybe it’s just a matter of perspective so that when I open my eyes you’ll really just have been standing right beside me this whole time – right beside me, and I’ll try to grab your cloak again, but then I’m sinking like quicksand because my burdens are too heavy to carry.
And yet I still hold on to my baggage as if it were mine to keep – have yet to alleviate myself of those worries and lay them down. As if I could make it worth more than the trash it is and add some value to it on my own.

How long will it take me to accept that things work according to your time and schedule, not mine?

And what right do they have to analyze your Word, God, what right do they have to scorn it with no knowledge of what it truly means? With no ears to hear, with no way to comprehend your parables because they close their hearts and block their ears from the truth! They try to see it as a mere book, like fictional poetry full of falsehoods and lies! Tell me, what right do you have, people, to scorn faith and look upon it as if you understand!
And they might just attack me and say “What right do YOU have to tell me right from wrong, to tell me that your faith is the best way?” They’ll call me out on superiority notions, they’ll mock me for trusting someone I cannot see, for believing someone that mankind can’t understand!
But really, has mankind ever fathomed god-like entities?
And I’ll tell them I believe that it’s the inconceivable truth, and I was commanded to share it.

Then they might just tell me that God, the gods, Allah – all are just made-up fantasies from man’s imagination because he doesn’t want to feel so hopeless in a dark, dank world that reeks with disaster—that if there wasn’t someone up there to make things right again then what’s the use of living, and dying, what’s the use of this fleeting life if there’s no meaning?

Away from me, Satan! You know, you know that God has moved the mountains, worked miracles! People, you who refuse to believe in God and yet believe in wicked ghosts and demons – even the devil believes in God’s existence! Wretched souls, we’re wretched souls!
And if you’ve felt what I’ve felt, seen what I’ve seen – it’s so easy to overlook, so easy to forget, but God don’t let me forget what you’ve done for me – people, you’d know that he’s real, he’s there, he’s not a distant figure who merely watches from above, he’s here! Inside you, inside me, always knocking, always waiting – he’s in every act of kindness and every act of justice and every act of friendship and love; in moments of bravery, in moments of awe, in nature’s breath and the wonders of creation, in brilliance, in epiphanies, in song and in poetry, in the great and in the small, in the healing restoration after a fall – why must you always require the tangible to believe in its reality? Isn’t this enough to be empirical evidence? And hasn’t he shown so much more than that – hasn’t he revealed himself to his people more than once, more than twice, more than a million times in history and in the present and in the future; what more will it take to believe?

If you refuse the reality of God, then you are refusing the reality of this world and everything that you’re living for; everything you thought to be true. It all stems back to him, and you know it – you know it.

And I’m crying, God, because I make no damn difference in this wretched world! Wretched me—forgive me—forgive me—forgive me!

Forgive this wretched soul who burns in her shame and does nothing about it.

"But in these words what have I said, my God, my life, my holy sweetness? What has anyone achieved in words when he speaks about you? Yet woe to those who are silent about you because, though loquacious with verbosity, they have nothing to say." -- Saint Augustine, Confessions 

The most ironic character in Bleach.

Ichimaru Gin. 
Mysterious traitor. 

All for who? 
Matsumoto Rangiku. 

He was blinded by love, I guess you could say. From the start, his goal was to kill Aizen in revenge for what he did to Rangiku - from reading the manga, I'm assuming that Aizen was the one who almost killed her... stole a part of her soul, maybe, for his Hougyoku - and he would do whatever it took to achieve this. Whether it was by slaughtering masses of other people on account of Aizen's orders, acting behind the scenes, becoming a traitor (though I don't think he ever cared much for the Gotei 13 anyway), or even rejecting his own love in order to learn Aizen's secrets and get as close as possible just to kill him - yeah, Gin was twisted. Twisted in his logic - a miscalculation on his part. Or a very noble act of chivalry that in the end didn't do much for himself or Rangiku. 

He's an ironic character because in acting out of love for Rangiku, he had to reject that love. He had to reject her and leave her behind for his purpose - killing Aizen for her sake. Yet maybe deep down the only way he could ever have left her was because he really did have bloodlust and his innocent(?) motive as a child to avenge his friend wasn't so innocent after all. Taken to an extreme, maybe from the start it was never about Rangiku but more about himself; his adventure and glory and thrill in trying to do the impossible. We'll never know what his true motives were - the most tragic thing about his story is that he ended up dying while trying and never got to have a real goodbye with Rangiku, the supposed reason for his life's purpose. 

In any case, he probably knew that there was a good chance he would die in the process. This is probably why he left without a trace every time. He was always cautious about endangering her, and he did all that he thought he could do to protect her, including helping Rangiku to move on without him just in case he did die. Rangiku could have lived without him, because of the measures Gin took to ensure that - but I think that Gin couldn't have lived without Rangiku. The only one who could stop his battle bloodlust was her. She was probably the one person that he could never kill. 
All in all, we finally get that he wasn't an altogether bad guy. His motives may have been blurry and hard to understand, but he meant well - only for one person, though, and that was Rangiku. 

I love these two.

Jokwon and Gain, I hope you're actually going out and perhaps maybe consider real marriage in the future. Lololol.

<3 <3 <3

All things considered, the other two couples on We Got Married are cute too.
Oh what the hey, they're all probably going out behind the scenes anyway hahaa.  

Some exceedingly beautiful men.

Your opinions may highly differ. But these are mine. 

So to explain my complicated idea of "beautiful" (in terms of pure appearance):
For starters, I consider HANDSOME and BEAUTIFUL separate. 
Manly beauty can be considered handsome, but you don't necessarily have to be "beautiful" to be handsome IMO (though you DO have to be manly). 
- Examples: Hugh Jackman, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, etc etc. 
- If not exactly HANDSOME, I consider just MANLY (ex: Matt Damon)

As for BEAUTIFUL, I consider several branches of "beauty": 
There is the young-and-girly beauty (which is like a sub-category of model beauty) like Chris Belcher, the young-and-boyish beauty like Mitch Hewer, Rob Moore, and Ryan Taylor, the sometimes beauty like Jensen Ackles, the model beauty like Mathias Lauridsen (most of the models fall under this category.. you know the typical model faces), and the hard-to-place beauty like Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Cillian Murphy (which I usually don't consider as beauty anyway).

Then there is CUTE, like Chris Pine and Jesse Metcalfe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, which could branch out into either HANDSOME or BEAUTIFUL, but most of the time HANDSOME

I think, half the time, the young-and-boyish beauties fall out of BEAUTIFUL and either drop into HANDSOME (like Brad Pitt) or CUTE or just MANLY (like Matt Damon) or Not Much In General (kind of like... Leo DiCaprio..) 

Then again, you can grow into HANDSOME (like Will Smith) or just MANLY, but not BEAUTIFUL or CUTE


This post is about the males that I find even more than BEAUTIFUL, and so far I've found three: Gaspard Ulliel, Ben Berro (I wasn't going to include him, but the more I looked at him the more he seemed like one of those Greek/Roman statues so I said what the hey), and Nicolas Chabot (again, I had to debate whether or not I considered him beautiful). 

Gaspard Ulliel:
- Born Nov. 25, 1984 (hey... we have the same birthday..)
- The scar on his face from a dog looks like a cute dimple that makes his face less perfect and more.. iunno. Gaspard. 
- I find that he becomes more beautiful-looking as you stare longer at his face. There's just something about it... Hmm.. I'm not sure, but I think he has the kind of face (though a bit on the long side) that is ideally "beautiful" in my eyes. Maybe because his face isn't girly, yet it isn't manly. What is it? Is it like a mix of cute + handsome + beautiful, which just elevates everything to beautiful and beyond? Is it because this one face can display and encompass so many combinations of "beauty" that it can't be one or the other? Because it has a near perfect degree or ratio of masculine and feminine attributes? Usually androgynous-looking males are the most "beautiful," but Gaspard Ulliel doesn't seem completely androgynous - I'd say way more masculine than feminine. Regardless. There's just something about his face. It's elegant - beautiful.  
- At times he looks like a completely different person in different pictures. Maybe it's the angle and lighting that contribute to the discrepancies. 
- He looks good with any haircut. I mean ANY haircut. Even shaved. Usually I don't like it when guys have long hair, but it looks good on him. Long hair (bang-less) and scruffy beard make him look manly+older, whereas short hair and clean-shaven face make him appear younger. I think I prefer his scruffy look (which is what I usually prefer on a male celeb if it looks good on him). 


Nicolas Chabot: 
- born April 15, 1988 
- I would definitely also place him under young-and-girly beauty or model beauty, but his face seemed too... statuesque? So here he is, "beautiful" 


Benjamin Berro: 
- born sept. 12, 1984 
- I didn't consider him "beautiful" at first, but the more I looked at his face the more it seemed like one of those Greek statues - I dunno, he seems to have a face of antiquity. 


Perhaps I base beauty on feminine features/attributes of the face. I don't often call men beautiful, but these three seem worthy (at least a bit?) of the title.

I ought to mention that just because I think someone is beautiful, it doesn't mean that I feel attracted to them. I don't really like the male model type (Nicolas Chabot and Ben Berro included), and Gaspard Ulliel seems to be my only exception so far, because I otherwise lean towards scruffy and HANDSOME. :) 

And why do most male models smoke? Is it a model thing to do? Lol. 
 I've noticed that some Asian actresses/talents are super, SUPER pretty. Like "whoaaaa" pretty (most likely after they've plasticized some part of their face). 
So I'm gonna keep track of them by making a list and adding to it whenever I come across another exceptionally pretty person.
I guess the only thing you can do is admire their beautiful faces, cuz being envious of it's gonna get you nowhere. Haha.  

- Aragaki Yui 
- Ueto Aya 
- Ueno Juri 
- Noriko Sakai 

- Fan Bingbing 
- Li Bingbing 
- Victoria Song {Song Qian} (because although she's active in Korea, she's fully Chinese) 

- Nok Ussanee (though a very typical beauty) 
- Sara Marakul Lane (again very typical, and mixed) 
- Bee Namthip
- Tiffany Lee (kinda looks Korean..)
- Juy - Warattaya Nilkuha 
- Pinky {Savika Chaiyadej} 


Inception's Arthur

He's so intense.
Love him.

Images taken from fuckyeahinception.tumblr.com 


I really liked Inception, despite the hype that it amassed since its release. I wasn't disappointed, no, because I didn't really expect what the movie was going to be like other than it being about "dreams." 

But wow, it was a great movie. 

Leo di Caprio really did it in this movie. Well yeah, he's a great actor, but i still don't really like him all that much - he's not as interesting to me. 

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, on the other hand, I think stole the show during the scenes in which he was present. I think he was an awesome choice for Arthur, and we got to see him in a completely different role than his usual. It was great. Loved him to bits. Talented young actor, he is. (Amazing zero-gravity fight scene, btw). 

And Ellen Page! Loved her before, but I love her more now! She too is a talented young actor - actress - and played her part exceptionally well. 

But OMG? 

Love them to pieces. 
I wish they'd date in real life. 
They would be the most adorable couple alive. One of them, at least. 
Wow, I haven't been this into a Hollywood celebrity couple in like... ever. 
<3 <3 <3 

i'm still totally wishing for something to happen between them, though. so much chemistry. hot damn. just ditch devon aoki for ellen page, joe! 


I... really like 9PM (2PM and SNSD together).
Especially TaecYoon and WooTae and KhunYoo.

And I also like 2AM and BEG together too... KwonGain<3 for reals and the rest for laughs. lol.


celebrity couples are so interesting.

정경호<3이민정 원츄 ;3;

Bored at 6AM in the morning

so I doodled this.

been feeling quite artsy fartsy lately.
when i have free time during the day I play my guitar and write lyrics and compose (hopefully i'll finally COMPLETE a song), and at night i doodle (because it's a quiet activity).

i don't wanna studyyyy

키컸으면 (160cm)

based off of 은지원's song 160 feat. 이수근

another time waster before finals


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